This is a good start to the drafting process to the essay. In addition to expanding on what you have started here, I point out how you need to better introduce “Interview with the Luddite” and Kelly and Sale to the reader; you can also make your thesis clear from the start (I think I understand it, so see my comments on the paper); and you might move some things around in the draft to improve the unity and coherence. You should notice, too, that I suggest you include discussion of your experience today with using technology to, as you put it toward the end, “manage” things as evidence that supports the idea that tech is the answer to our ills.
Technological perspectives
based on the Luddites
by Wisline Fontilus
Submission date:
15
-Jan-2021 02:44PM (UTC-0500)
Submission ID:
14
8827320
5
File name: English12draft1 x (17.29K)
Word count:
6
5
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Character count: 3685
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FINAL GRADE
5/5
GRADEMARK REPORT
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
Hi Wisline. This is a good start to the drafting process
to the essay. In addition to expanding on what you have
started here, I point out how you need to better
introduce “Interview with the Luddite” and Kelly and
Sale to the reader; you can also make your thesis clear
from the start (I think I understand it, so see my
comments on the paper); and you might move some
things around in the draft to improve the unity and
coherence. You should notice, too, that I suggest you
include discussion of your experience today with using
technology to, as you put it toward the end, “manage”
things as evidence that supports the idea that tech is
the answer to our ills.
Going forward, you need to integrate another text, and I
suggest the “Savage Future” piece given your focus on
the need to build smarter technology.
I look forward to reading the next draft.
A voice comment was left for this paper.
PAGE 1
Comment 1
Nice introduction.
Comment 2
Is this your thesis? Is this “contribution” positive or negative?
Comment 3
You need to introduce the text to the reader: give the title in quotation marks and then say who was
interviewed by whom.
Comment 4
Since you are, I think, summarizing the interview, you don’t need this parenthetical reference.
Comment 5
Is this now a reference to the “neo-Luddite” Kirkpatrick Sale, the person Kevin Kelly interviews?
Comment 6
This is something Sale says, so you should indicate that this is so to make it clear you are
summarizing the “Interview with the Luddite.”
PAGE 2
Comment 7
Here, though, is Kelly’s way of thinking, so again, I wonder if this is your thesis. Is your point with the
essay to say that Kelly’s point that technology can be used to fix the problems it created if we want it
to your main point? If I’m correct in how I understand things, what experience have you had to
support this?
Comment 8
You should give the reader a better idea that you are referring to Sale here. It’s why you need to
introduce the text and who is involved better earlier.
Comment 9
Use quotations to show what you only tell at this point in the essay. After you summarize the text, you
want to be more exact with your references to the text and with your analysis. Add more on why you
read what Sale and Kelly say the way you do.
Comment 10
Okay, so quote what he says to show this. Also, is this something that is happening today? Your
experience? I’m also thinking that the Nathaniel Rich article “Savage Future” might be useful for you
to use going forward with the paper. It’s in Course Content.
Comment 11
This is according to Sale, right? Or, do they both agree on this? Make it clear.
PAGE 3
Comment 12
Again, how do you “see” this happening with your own experience? How is technology involved in a
positive way?
Comment 13
You need to make clear to readers that these are predictions he made in 1995 about 2020. It should
perhaps come earlier as part of the summary. It sets up what you are arguing against in your paper.
If I’m correct, you might agree with Sale’s predictions, but Kelly’s idea that we need to build better
technology is a better solution, not a retreat to the past.
Comment 14
How has technology helped you “manage”?
PAGE 4
Comment 15
See the “Basic MLA” handout in Course Information for how to list this text on a Works Cited page.
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